Manly Mixtape Monday: Get Shipwreck'd With Sailor Rock

The Manly Mixtape is a weekly 6-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face every Monday.

In our last year of grad school, J.B. Mays and myself created a rock radio show that coalesced all things awesome – rock n’ roll, Manbque.com, and the ridicule of annoying trends. In honor of those efforts, I give you my Mixtape Monday and first time ode to what I am coining as Sailor Rock It comes in all forms rock’d up, punk’d out, and hell, even Irish-eyed and drunk has a place in Sailor Rock. But there’s one thing that links them all together – swagger. It’s a unique swagger that conjures up pirates and insatiable living while commandeering drunken guitars, whiskey-soaked vocals and marching drum beats. Cheers, matey.

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Check out Bullets & Octane “Pirates. This band walks the plank with talent and swigs heavy riffs for breakfast.



You can’t get any more Sailorish than the Gaslight Anthem’s “I Coulda Been A Contender”. These Jersey boys definitely take to the high seas with lyrical prowess and all their songs sound like they were left at sea for years.




Probably the most entertaining and enlightening on the list is Chuck Ragan’s “The Boat”. We feel for all those lost to the sea on this one.




It’s a mutiny with The Riverboat Gamblers “Rattle Me Bones”. Best live act at SXSW every year, this band of merry pirates shakes with fierceness and energy.




Like a ship in a bottle, The Bravery’s “The Ocean” sways. Like it or love it, it feels like the ocean.




We end on pure awesomeness with Murder City Devils’ “Press Gang”. Raise a fist and a fifth of Sailor Jerry rum to Manly Mixtape Mondays every Monday at Manbque.com. Arr.

- Twist-Off Jones

Freaky-Ass Friday: Tool

You had to have known this designation was coming for Tool. As teen, and later as an adult, I came to really appreciate the intricate musicianship and dark songwriting. But really, as a pre-teen who did a lot of late-night MTV watching, there was only one thought when this particular video came on - AHHHH! BURN IT! SEND IT TO HELLLLLLLLL!

But years later, I've come to appreciate "Sober" in all it's freaky-ass claymation glory. I also use it to scare my younger cousins, because trauma is meant to be passed on. It's the right thing to do.

- J.B. Mays

Non-Crappy Covers: The '80s, Ska, and Cursing

I haven't even begun writing and this entry has already begun to make me feel old. Thoughts running through my head include "hey, remember ska's brief moment of semi-popularity?" and "hey, remember that movie BASEketball?" I might as well add "hey, remember Pogs?" while I'm at it.

But weird quarter-life crises aside, I'd like to call you all back to a simpler time. A young J.B. Mays, crumpled dollar bills in hand, was in the middle of a very tough decision - whether or not to buy his first Parental Advisory stickered CD. Finally, hands shaking, I went up to the cash register and meekly said "I'll take this." I recall being surprised that I didn't get in trouble, because young J.B. Mays was apparently something of a nancy boy. But the disc was purchased, and there began a love affair with cursing and music intertwined. That record? Reel Big Fish's "Turn the Radio Off."

This particular cover song came out after that album unexpectedly hit platinum during the aforementioned brief ska fad of the '90s. No matter how my musical tastes have evolved, I'll always have a soft spot for the band. Which, when you think about it, is how almost everyone feels about the music of the '80s. And so we combine them, and hope that it doesn't have the same world-ending effect of crossing the streams.

- J.B. Mays

Shut Up and Listen: The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!

Shut Up and Listen is a weekly feature that presents a song without comment. Wait, does this count? Okay, then. Shut Up and Listen is a weekly feature that presents a song with one comment. This one.

The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy! (via Pitchfork)

- Mr. Nobody

El Awesomeness: The Rise & Ascent of the Greatest Band You’ve Yet to Hear

So you’ve been waiting (as have I) for a band, a rock band, that rocks faces off at a consistent enough rate you can follow their ascent to greatness over the course of several records. For me, that time is now and it begins with hardcore punk outfit The Bronx.

Maybe, like me, you’ll get hooked by their ode to Los Angeles and early single “They Will Kill Us All (Without Mercy).”

Or maybe you’d like your punk polished like their latest - and arguably greatest - “Past Lives.”

Still not convinced? Well, if Matt Caughthran’s vocals don’t grab you by throat and guitarist Joby J. Ford’s riffs can’t get you feeling it, then let the boys throw something else at you. Welcome to "Mariachi El Bronx." Recorded with their third album, "The Bronx III," "Mariachi El Bronx" is real, raw and one of the most epic and original records of our time.

Both "Past Lives" and "Mariachi," however, go well with hot sauce.


- Twist-off Jones

Next on the Plate: Built to Spill

Next on the Plate is the Man-B-Que approved local concert of the week. Go see it.

At least this week its easy.

Seriously, just go see Built to Spill.

For those of you not in the know, let me help you get you there. Since the mid 90's BtS has ben one of the hardest-working bands in rock music. Coming out of the Pacific Northwest (Boise, Idaho, specifically) during the post grunge binge, they combined amazing musicianship with a DIY garage sound. Rough around the edges, their influences span both decades and genres. Frontman Doug Martsch's scratchy vocals echo Neil Young, while the jaunty but melodic guitar riffs recall Pavement. These superior influences, as well as others (Dinosaur Jr.), have joined together to make BtS one of the most musically diverse rock bands in recent memory. Naturally, Spill's awesomeness hasn't been lost on a slew of modern bands who can undoubtedly cite them as a major influence. Modest Mouse and Death Cab for Cutie form only the tip of the iceberg.

Since first seeing Built To Spill 8 years ago at the Metro, I've had several more opportunities; none of which failed to impress. While the albums each have their own merit, live is where BtS thrives. Martsch's vocals soar and crack, his lyrics cut. Add in the occasional freak-out featuring massive feedback and distortion, its no wonder these guys have been playing music for nearly 2 decades. And yet, they're still getting better. No doubt they'll play from their new album, "There is No Enemy," out October 6th. But, peppered in will hopefully be personal BtS classics, Big Dipper, Stop The Show, and Fly Around My Pretty Little Miss.

Built To Spill plays this Saturday at the Vic Theater at 7:30. The aforementioned Dinosaur Jr also plays. Amazingly, tickets are still somehow available. So you should get that on that.

A close second - Grizzly Bear @ The Metro Sunday (9/27) and Monday (9/28)

- Mr. Nobody

Manly Mixtape Monday: Animated Rock

Manly Mixtape Monday is a six-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face weekly.



Unless you were raised in one of those strange no-television houses (usually also the no-Halloween houses) in the neighborhood, there's a good chance you were raised on cartoons. Ninja Turtles, Looney Toons, Ultraforce, whatever. Point is, there were as much surrogate parent as entertainment. Admit it or not, we never really let go of them - witness the insane popularity of "ironic" '80s shirts. So instead of watching those same cartoons all the time - an activity that ranks up there in creepiness with owning a clown suit - I find it's better to combine them with excellent music.

And so, after that long-winded intro, we have our theme: cartoon music videos. Sit back and enjoy, preferably with some Lucky Charms.

The White Stripes - "Fell In Love With a Girl"

I cannot imagine the amount of work that went into this video. It only runs 1:53, yet I'm pretty sure there's a Lego enthusiast with crippling carpal tunnel who can attest to exactly how long the shooting took.

Madvillain - "All Caps"

I'm not a huge hip hop fan, but I am an enormous fan of MF Doom. He wears a metal Dr. Doom mask, raps in thick, consonant-heavy verses, and projects the supervillain vibe pretty well. I'd say he's my favorite rapper/supervillain. This video finds him acting awesome in the pages of a comic book. This is something I can certainly get behind.

Junior Senior - "Move Your Feet"

Atari and a hyperactive song built over a Michael Jackson-sounding chorus? The 8-year old in me is rejoicing. The 8 year old in Clay Aiken's basement remains terrified.

J Dilla - "Nothing Like This"

Atmospheric, semi-hip hop music like the kind J Dilla makes leaves me at a loss for words. Which is just fucking fantastic in a written medium like this one. I find it hard to explain what's so appealing about the song, but perhaps the video can put it across more tangibly.

Ok, so I just re-watched it, and now I can figure out the appeal. GIANT KILLER ICE CREAM CONE!

Dire Straits - "Money for Nothing"

A lot of great videos have come and gone since its day, but "Money For Nothing" is still one of the top 5 most recognizable videos ever made. And while Dire Straits may be the stuff of '80s Trivial Pursuit questions, frontman Mark Knopfler has reinvented his career as sort of a gruff singer/songwriter type. And he plays a hell of a guitar. This video was, I'm guessing, state of the art at the time. I'm fairly certain that these days, you can buy fart machines with more computing power.

Gorillaz - "Clint Eastwood"

I'll have to admit, I was not a fan of this song, or this band, the first time I heard it. Or the fifth. Or the tenth. In fact, the punishing grind of radio rotation almost ruined it for me, until I happened to come across the weirdly captivating video at 2 in the morning on MTV2, or MTV3, or MTV7, or whoever was still playing videos at that point. After watching kung-fu zombie gorillas, I began to enjoy it. I mean, I'm not made of stone.

- J.B. Mays

Freaky-Ass Friday: A Duo of Rammstein

This week's selection for this Friday feature that I can't seem to come up for a name with joins two thing people are afraid of - heavy metal and Ze Germans.

I first heard of German metal band Rammstein in my younger days, when MTV not only played music videos, but played music videos by German metal bands whose on-stage antics had led to indecency charges.

Read that link. The whole thing. I'll wait.

Okay, now you have an idea how Rammstein altered my perception not just of metal, but of an entire country. Even after years of learning to enjoy jazz, latin music, hip hop, etc., I still think Rammstein's bombastic metal kicks ass. Here, for your enjoyment, is "Du Hast," the video that introduced me to the band:

Clearly an homage to Reservoir Dogs going on there. But that's not really the freaky-ass part. Oh, it's freaky, don't get me wrong. But you know what's just a little bit more batshit? Taking everything you've just learned above and placing it in the Sprongebob motif:

I have no idea who is simultaneously a fan of both Spongebob and German metal to the point where he/she tries to smash the two together in the manner of making your Ghostbusters action figures fight the GI Joes. I just know that I'm not sure I want to meet this individual.

- J.B. Mays

Non-Crappy Covers: The Manliest Sting Song You'll Hear All Day

This is a cover of "Message in a Bottle" by the Police. Now, we can argue the merits of the Police against the face that Sting turned into a huuuuuge douche. But let's save that for another time. For now, let's see what happens when you take a former English schoolteacher's songwriting effort and put it into the hands of a band who has a song featuring the line "Let freedom ring with a shotgun blast." For your enjoyment, viking-looking metal men covering a Sting song:

I know it's a user-made YouTube video, and that those are the artistic equivalent of Japanese tentacle rape comics, but there aren't many hardcore heavy metal videos around these days. They started to disappear around the time that the MTV network spontaneously grew ovaries. But you don't need a professionally made video to rock. All you need is a beer and a fist to pump in the air. And possibly a sweet White Zombie t-shirt. But that is all.

Shut Up and Listen: Mos Def, "Sex, Love & Money"

Shut Up and Listen is a weekly feature that presents a song without comment. Wait, does this count? Okay, then. Shut Up and Listen is a weekly feature that presents a song with one comment. This one.

- Mr. Nobody

Kanye West: New Vehicle For Alien Communiques

Sure, our Facebook walls were inundated with Kanye reproach, and surely our phones' buzzed with Twitter updates condemning someone we'll never meet. But amid all the hubbub of Kanye's most recent cultural offense lies something much deeper...

The most convincing proof of intelligent life outside this planet: the crop circles miraculously and meticulously placed atop of Mr. West's head.

Kanye West: "Make me look like this, SuperCuts!"

Who put them there? How did they get there? What do they mean? Why was he chosen?

Only in time can we hopefully understand these and many more questions posed by this phenomenon.

In the meantime, keep buying his albums, dancing at the club, and feigning indignation. I know I'll be right there with you.

- Mr. Nobody

Man B Que: Swayze Crayze

This evening, the Man B Crew learned that esteemed actor Patrick Swayze died. While we've never seen Dirty Dancing, we have seen Road House and Black Dog and feel that those movies are manlier than any 18 movies put together (Stallone, Segal, and Norris films excluded).

I believe YouTube commenter SAGEBOT500 says it best: "He's throwing guys out of the Double Deuce in Heaven now."

- J.B. Mays

Manly Mixtape Monday: The Devil Made Me Do It

The Manly Mixtape is a weekly 6-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face every Monday. This week's sees the debut of Mr. Nobody.

Blitzen Trapper - Black River Killer

Ignore the friendly strum pattern and upbeat chord progressions and you'll discover a brutal murderer. The trail of dead following the singer numbers somewhere around 5 or 6 (I lose track); in other words, if you turn Black River Killer into a drinking game, you'd only need 2 listens to get good and drunk. That’s more kills per minute than Pulp Fiction had swears per minute. Fuck. That's a lot of killing, and a lot of shots. The cameo by Fred Willard as a talk show host is pretty key as well. Check out his Blago-inspired hair.

Dead Heart Bloom – Sodom

I'm not sure who made this video (or why), but that’s not the important part. With a wandering bass line, accented drum beat, and a soaring string arrangement, it’s obvious that this song has been expertly crafted. But the lyrics – harkening back to Sodom, complete with imagery of whores, writhing, and turning into a pillar of salt – add another layer of complexity. Pepper in some reversed vocals and you've got a song that's just asking for a Parental Advisory sticker.

Ben Folds Five - Satan is My Master

Most people are already familiar with “Brick,” the band’s awful abortion tale, but that’s not what we’re going with. “Satan is My Master” is a little-known live track released on their b-sides album "Naked Baby Photos." Short, but hardly sweet, it lets everyone know where this next-gen Elton John places his allegiances. Though, to be fair, if I got free Metallica records out of the deal, I doubt I'd complain much. It just better not be anything post-Load. Stupid Lars. Actually, never-mind – it’s looking like a pretty raw deal. At least “Satan is My Master” is a cool song.

Pine Box Boys - I Kept Her Heart

We've all done it, right? Married a 15 year old girl whom you traded for a horse? Then, after years of loveless marriage, took her into the woods out back and brutally murdered her? Finally, you dragged her lifeless body into the local flour mill and ground her bones into a fine powder, right? But, as a memento, you kept her heart. Right? We've all been there.

…

No?


Cold War Kids - We Used to Vacation

Yum, gin. Normally, a dry martini and a couple of blue cheese olives would be a great way to end the day. Add in a car and a helpless family along for the ride and suddenly you've got a recipe for disaster. Yet despite his promises to his wife and children, the lead singer just can't seem to shake the addiction. That lovely self justification of "Still things could be much worse/natural disasters on the evening news" provides just enough excuse for another drink and another broken promise.

Fiona Apple - Criminal

Click here to see the video. Ms. Apple apparently dislikes embeddable videos.

Fortunately for me, the inimitable J.B. Mays already crossed the gender line when he introduced Brody Dalle of The Distillers the other week. Fortunately for everyone else, that means we can use Fiona Apple's awesomely dirty “Criminal” in this week's Mixtape. After this video, I know I certainly wouldn't mind being Ms. Apple's rueful transgression. Although the fact that she might write a song comparing my manhood to a shriveled up roll of dimes makes me have second thoughts.

- Mr. Nobody

The Kanye West Incident. Or: How the Internet Collectively Resembles a Developmentally Disabled Tween

... and a million simultaneous "oh no, he didn't"s were heard throughout the nation.

Last evening, the Internet suddenly exploded. Apparently, Kanye West had behaved in a manner very much like Kanye West – jumping up on stage during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video at the MTV Video Music Awards. He thought Beyonce should have won, and bizarrely said that he didn’t mean to disrespect Ms. Swift, but that Beyonce’s video was one of the greatest of all time, and should have won instead. Nope, no offense meant at all. Take a look for yourself, and try not to think of all the useful things you could be doing instead.

Of course, it’s easy to imagine my first reaction:

People still watch the VMAs? I had no idea.

Then second: In a time when we’re debating as a country how best to spend billions fixing the healthcare system, my Facebook news feed was pretty much solidly “OMG … Kanye is such a jerk,” “Taylor Swift is so sweet, I can’t believe Kanye West did that,” and “How low have we sunk in this country?” The last one, I entirely agreed with, but for different reasons than that person intended.

Also, Kanye has a documented history of doing the EXACT. SAME. FUCKING. THING. Either the organizers are idiots or they have a level of trust in Kanye West that should disqualify them from owning anything more dangerous than a plastic spork. I smell a contrived publicity “scandal.” And man, people are eating it right up. Not me, though. I just sit at my desk writing articles criticizing everyone involved. I am so above it all.

Meaningful!

But just for a minute, let’s pretend to take this VMoutrAge (clever, no?) at face value. I would now like to give you a list of some of the past illustrious winners of the VMA Moon Man:

- Michael Penn, Best New Artist, 1990. Who? I had to look this one up. It's Sean and Chris Penn's brother. I have never heard his music, nor do I plan to. It must have been a slow year for new artists. I mean, who ever heard of the Black Crowes?

- Pretty Much Every Other Year of Best Rap Video. Arrested Development had a 2-year lock on the award. MC Hammer won, as did Coolio and Will Smith. Really, it's most likely the exact list of embarassing CDs (and possibly tapes) that you won't admit you once owned. I can see why they eventually killed the category.

- Aerosmith, "Pink." Best Rock Video, 1998. As a kid, I spent hours and hours listening to Aerosmith's "Big Ones" album. They heard about this, and spent the next decade and a half trying to spite me with awful music. This is possibly the worst piece of shit they recorded. And as MTV is wont to do with hilariously bad music, they gave it an award.

- Limp Bizkit, Best Rock Video, 2000-2001. Witness the horrifying power of marketing. I'd be mad at them for taking the award away from deserving artists, but the categories in these years were uniformly terrible. Two years, and I can really only point to Rage Against the Machine as a competent artist (nominated, 2000) in this category.

- Art of Noise, feat. Tom Jones, "Kiss." Breakthrough Video, 1988. Again, I repeat, "who?" I mean, I know Tom Jones, but I bet even he couldn't tell you who the hell Art of Noise was.

So maybe Kanye shouldn’t be so upset. And maybe Taylor Swift should figure out that you don’t refer to the statue as a “VMA Award,” because that would mean Video Music Award Award, and that’s just stupid.

- J.B. Mays

Give It Up: Fred Durst

This man's CDs are filed with your Baja Men, Macarena, and Billy Ray Cyrus albums"

Is there a human being that exemplified a period we'd all wish to forget more than Fred Durst? Of all the terrible fads in human history, none had such a singular, douche-hatted figurehead. Pet rocks? Disco? Pogs? There was no singular person to blame, and then punch, in those cases. But that awful white rap/metal fad of the late '90s? Most people blame it all on this guy. Especially the crusty viking that you're about to see.



I had a friend from work who went to see Limp Bizkit at some sort of fest in the Chicago area. Most people were there to see Metallica, and not big fans of backward red Yankee hats. Yes, that's right, they were booing one band in favor of "St. Anger" Metallica. So after a couple of songs, Durst apparently decided he needed to bring out the gimmick. So a roadie brought him his 12-gauge, loaded with blanks. Freddy Dumbass fired a blank into the air, then said something like "Yeah, that's how we do it in Tinley Park!" and went into the next song. Shockingly, after this 7th grade display of "rock," the booing failed to stop. In fact, they started throwing shit. When a man will pay $8.50 for a beer to throw at you, it's time to give up. So Durst flipped off the crowd and ran off the stage, possibly with his arms limply flapping with the sobbing motions of his stage fleeing, like some sort of tattooed sissy boy. Is there anyone alive who will admit to liking this band?

Who knew Carson Daly's crotch had a nanny cam?

I will give the man one thing. Music stores used to sell patches and stickers that said "Limp Bizkit sucks." I learned from a friend who worked at one of these stores that the merchandise in question was copyrighted and produced by Mr. Durst himself. Suffice to say, he made a fucking fortune.

Yet that awful, awful band started work in August on a new album. It's like inventing the sequel to herpes: no one wants it, and it's going to cause rashes. So Man B Que implores Fred Durst: Give it up.

- J.B. Mays

Manly Mixtape Monday: Rural Rock

The Manly Mixtape is a weekly 6-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face every Monday.

There are plenty of things to hate about the modern Nashville country music establishment. Hell, just seeing Tim McGraw wearing his fancy leather cowboy hat (I didn't know the Village People had a yard sale) makes me want to walk into a K-Mart and start throwing punches. But the biggest tragedy of the pansification of Nashville is that it's turned off so many people to anything recorded below the Mason-Dixon line. People just assume that since Nashville country mostly sucks, they're going to steer clear of any musician with a Southern accent. But that, friends, would be a mistake. Despite a bad reputation of late, the South still produces some of the finest shit-kicking rock ever to blow out a pair of cheap Ford Ranger speakers on a wild Friday night. Let's take a look at some.

Drive-By Truckers - "Never Gonna Change"

It's a guarantee that you'll hear more about Drive-By Truckers on this blog in the future. They're a band that sings about drinking, fighting, loving, and all the other things that regular folk do. If Man B Que was a late-night talk show, DBT would be the house band. Any one of their songs could go up on here, but since this one has a nice music video to go with it, we'll pick "Never Gonna Change."

Hank Williams III - "Long Hauls and Close Calls"

The original Hank Williams (III's grandfather) came to popularity in an era that may have been rowdy and two-fisted, but still didn't allow recording artists to use the word fuck. His grandson is making serious efforts to enjoy a degree of freedom of expression that his grandfather could not. He sings some of the white-trashiest, whiskey-swillingest, face-punchingest country dive bar rock available today. While "Put the O back in Country" wins for most creatively vulgar song title, I'm going with "Long Hauls and Close Calls" for sheer manic energy.

Steve Earle - Copperhead Road

In the late '80s and early '90s, when everyone else was committing to the neutering of Southern Music - so many fucking rhinestones! - Steve Earle did well for himself waving a broken-nailed middle finger at the establishment. "Copperhead Road" is the most accessible of his catalog, so go ahead and start there. But don't stop - his albums take a natural progression from a sort of biker-country ethos to some populist/progressive themes in his latest work. And look how young Letterman looks - I noticed that right before Earle called him a moron. Then I laughed.

Scott Miller and the Commonwealth - "Dear Sarah"

Every mixtape - EVERY SINGLE ONE - needs to have a Civil War song on it. That's something that John Cusack failed to cover in "High Fidelity," but I'm pretty sure it's true. Or at the very least, this particular mixtape needs it. When I was in college in Tennessee, this band used to play in a church that had been converted into a concert venue. The acoustics were excellent (it was a church, after all), but the venue didn't have a liquor license. So event management did the next best thing - they let you bring in a cooler and all the beer you could carry. I've you've never watched a Southern rock from a choir loft with a row of empties lined up on the ledge in front of you, then you've thus far missed out. SacROCKligious!

Johnny Cash - "Cocaine Blues"

I can't resist the temptation to end this inaugural mixtape with the man himself, Johnny Cash. When Nashville refused to return his calls in the '90s in favor of your fancy, well-groomed Kenny Chesney types, Cash signed with Def Jam founder Rick Rubin, recorded the best country album of the year, and took out this ad in Billboard:



Did I mention he was in his 60s at the time? Here's something from the early days - Johnny Cash singing about cocaine and murder at a time when most of the country was still afraid of dancing and rock music. If anyone tells you they like the Joaquin Phoenix Walk the Line version better, you punch them in the throat.

Now get out there, down a couple of tall boys, and grill some meat. Cash would approve.

- J-B Mays.

Friday Fright: This Lady Scares the Crap Out of Me

Rock music has been frightening people since the dawn of ... "Footloose." This feature will highlight the most traumatic people/places/things that rock has to offer.

Every suburban kid went through a punk phase at one point or another. But by the early '00s, punk had gone pretty quickly from anarchistic outsider culture to the Hot Topic t-shirt rack, stopping somewhere in the middle to crap out what we now know as "emo." So by then, sullen kids in their Winnetka bedrooms looking for that jab in the eye of their corporate attorney parents could turn to any number or radio and video-friendly acts. Yes indeed, a stable of MTV-friendly punk acts. Nancy Spungen started rolling in her grave, which frightened people passing by that particular gutter. Yet one band, despite being featured on what was by then ironically called Music Television, still managed to push the boundary somewhat. They were the Distillers, and their lead singer could beat you to death. And their lead singer was a woman named Brody. Watch this and try to keep your bowels intact.

Man B Que has a set of rules governing what is manly and what is not. Women are expressly forbidden from attending the Man B Que. But Brady Dalle there, from the Distillers? She blurs the line. She might merit a burger - if she promises not to show up and punch someone in the face. One could honestly picture her driving a broken bottle into a screaming townie at 4 in the morning in a smoky bowling alley bar while Warren Zevon plays in the background. The Distillers - proving once and for all that a lot of world's scariest motherfuckers come from Australia.

(Re)Introduction to Destruction: Five Songs, Metal as Fuck

It has been suggested that perhaps I offered a low-key introduction of myself as music writer on the Manliest Blog Of Them All. I stand by my love of Buena Vista, yet here, as a sort of reintroduction, is a collection of videos from 5 of the metalest bands I have seen. Metal and I have a long, long history. My first concert was a Cannibal Corpse show Junior year of high school, and if I get in a room quiet enough, I'm fairly certain I can still hear the amp ringing. That's how you know the metal is in your head. Here are 5 kickass videos from those days, before rap-rock and tribal tats made society collectively douchier.

Black Sabbath - "War Pigs"

Believe it or not, Ozzy Osbourne was not always a shambling joke of a man. Or if he was, at least he had the foresight not to wave that shit around in public. I saw the original Black Sabbath lineup a mere handful of months before Ozzy stopped being Ozzy Osbourne and started being That Hilarious Mumbling Guy With The Shrew Wife. I sort of wish I could forget everything from Ozzy after 1998. "War Pigs" is still sweet, though.



The Haunted - "Bury Your Dead"

I swear, this band was sent down from Central Casting. They're exactly - EXACTLY - what you think of when you think of European metal. They've still got the melodic guitars, but they scream like everyone in every metal band was legally required to do at the turn of the century. Imagine going to your first concert, and seeing the first opening band, and the bald, glowering singer comes up and says, in a heavy Swedish accent: "This is from our album, 'The Haunted Made Me Do it.' It's called Bury. Your. Dead." If you wrote that scene in a movie about metal, people would think it was lazy and unoriginal. It's pretty much exactly what The Haunted does every night.



Tool - "Parabola"

Oh for the days when children could still be traumatized by something on basic cable. Growing up, Tool's early videos did just that. Now MTV is all horrible shows about people from New Jersey. Where's the metal, you bastards?



Meshuggah - "New Millenium Cyanide Christ"

Yes it sounds like the song title was made on a Norweigan metal magnetic poetry set, but the timing in this song is unreal. The clear lack of a budget in this video makes them look slightly ridiculous, but rest assured, they will fuck your world up.



Hatebreed - "Last Breath"

Short and sweet. When you bought a Hatebreed album, you were lucky if it went past 30 minutes. I imagine it would be hard to produce this kind of aggression over a double album.



Okay, so we've covered Cuban music and screaming, fiery heavy metal. Next up: Everything else.

Grilling Music: The Buena Vista Social Club

It's been my experience that most people in this country have an impression of Cuba that comes from all the wrong sources: Castro, Guantanamo, and those douchebag 19 year olds in Che Guevara t-shirts. Yet look in the right places, and you'll find that it's one of the most interesting places imaginable. In keeping with last Sunday's Man B Que contribution (Cuban Sandwiches), I'd like to spotlight a group from that country that got their shot at fame almost too late.



The Buena Vista Social Club, if you haven't seen the documentary, was a collection of legendary (and mostly quite elderly) Cuban musicians named after a long-defunct Havana social club. They were brought together by Los Angeles guitarist Ry Cooder, and their renown eventually landed them a show in Amsterdam, a gig at Carnegie Hall, and an Academy Award. They also won a Grammy, but really, so fucking what? Milli Vanilli won a Grammy. Here's a video of them performing in Crete, which is apparently nuts for Lain music. It's enjoyable once the camera stops moving around - I kept expecting the Cloverfield monster to attack. The problem with the Buena Vista Social Club is whoever is posting their high quality videos on YouTube also disables embedding. Dick.



Their music, if you're only accustomed to flipping past La Rey 107.9, can be surprisingly understated. It still carries the passion and emotion characteristic of Spanish-language music, but often it's more quiet rumbling than full-on bombast. "Chan Chan," the first song off of the one (and only) Buena Vista Social Club album, is a perfect example of the understated tone.



That slow burning sound is absolutely perfect for lighting the grill just as the sun goes down. This is excellent beer in hand music, which is the universal Man B Que measure of musical superiority. There are only two real problems:

(a) They're nearly always, as you saw in the report above, used as a political symbol - either by those filthy Reds (WOLVERIIIIINES!!!) or by those who point out that Cuban music is largely identifiable as a pre-Castro instution.

(b) Their success unwittingly inspired the NPR set to become dickish about obscure world music. It made an entire generation far more punchable.

You can't really blame them for either, so ignore all that and enjoy with sizzling meat and a cold beer. You won't be disappointed.