Lollapalooza 2009: Day 1

Lollapalooza 2009: What you're not missing...(A Chicago Cynic's View)

1. Crowds of Tourists: The hours leading up to Lollapalooza fill downtown Chicago with the crowds of slow, lost and soon to be inebriated tourists. If your a Chi native these animals slow you down because they like to do things like: stop and point, stop and look up, stop and read subway maps, and my favorite, stop and wonder aloud where the next landmark on their itinerary is. If YOU are not from Chi, these people make you feel better about yourself, more safe and secure because you too are one of these lost and overwhelmed sheep. While surrounded by them you naively believe that you will not fall prey to some random robbery and/or stabbing, well, you're wrong. It takes more than a crowd to dissuade Chicago's criminals from making you a co-headliner/victim in some police blotter. Aw, hell, thanks for supporting our local economy.

2. Music Festival People: You know the type. These morons that act like they think they would have acted if they were at Woodstock. (40 year anniversary, woohoo!!! Ugh, kill me now.) They walk around over-accessorized with junk they paid too much for at a local, trendy, free-trade store: Hair wraps made by some toddler in Malaysia, sandals made with Tibetan Monk pubes, or wrist bands from this year's Bonnaroo and Rothbury festivals. These people don't really care about the music, they're there for "the experience." In a few short weeks, they will all be packed in mommy's BMW SUV being driven back down to their new dorm, bragging about how "fucked up" they were at "Lolla" and sharing/comparing their favorite festival stories, well, the ones they remember.

3. Drunkards: From the stupid high fiving while stumbling out of the port-a-potty, to the "half nod-head dip into a cheer" action. (This happens when a drunkard is trying to stay awake long enough to see the one band they actually wanted to check out. The drunkard's head keeps slowly dipping until the chin is to it's lowest point before hitting the clavicle, the crowd's applause then wakes the drunkard from the half nod and makes the head shoot up, causing the drunkard to automatically shout "wooohoo, FUCK YEAH!" This is especially funny to witness when the drunkard snaps out of the half nod on their own during a break, when there is nothing to cheer about) Typing this one makes me feel borderline hypocritical, being that I too fall victim to the side effects of drinking shitty beer for 12 straight hours. (in my defense, there really is no good beer at festivals. Sorry, Heineken does not constitute a "good import") The difference being, my drunkenness is a side effect, while the drunkards I'm referring to make being drunk a goal that they want to proudly surpass. If there is a good thing about overpriced beer (Yes, something good can come out of that. Bare with me) is the fact that it almost makes you keep a slower pace. Having to digest the fact that you just spent almost $10 on 12 ounces of domestic piss makes you not want to plow through it. Alas, after the 3rd beer, you no longer care and you are already fully invested in beating your inebriation expectation.

4. Weak lineup: If I were to even start complaining about this I would not stop for a while. I don't have the time nor the patience. I will say that if there is a band you should never checkout or listen to, other than to complain about or rip on, it would be the Fleet Foxes. Half of the band was hipster, the other half was hippie. People, these are the two major ingredients in shit stew. I swear, it was like watching a Crosby, Stills and Nash cover band in Brooklyn. Never, ever, give these guys a chance. I heard an album of theirs and hated it. I decided to see if they would be better live; now I don't really hate them anymore, I actually despise them. At some point, bands decided to stop rocking out and start becoming weak, bearded and unoriginal. Well, these bands all got together and decided to play the first day of Lollapalooza.*

*Ben Folds and Depeche Mode are spared from this categorization.


Ok, I'm off to start day 2....bring on the cheap beer!!!!
(things to look forward to today: Tool and Rise Against)