Manly Mixtape Monday: Mom and Dad's Records

The Manly Mixtape is a weekly six-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face every Monday.

As adolescents and young adults, the great majority of us spend time rebelling against the music of our parents. Certainly, we reason, the new contemporary stuff builds on the shoulders of all that came before. Which stands to reason that Incubus on CD is totally better than Pink Floyd on vinyl. This, dear friends, proves that you and I were fucking stupid as teenagers. The truth is, as much time as we spend swimming against the tide, we often end up not only embracing, but really loving the same stuff as our parents. That is, unless your parents were nerds, lame, or bible-thumping weirdos. Mine weren't - I didn't admit it until much, much later (well, now) but they had some taste in music. Here are six of my favorites.

The Police - "So Lonely"

Before Sting became a hilarious parody of ... well, Sting, he fronted a group that had excellent, tight ska-infused rock/pop songs. You might not get this from some of their later or more popular work (drunk people have ruined "Roxanne"), but the Police started with two albums of startling urgency that still hold up well today. You'd do well to check them out.

America - "Horse With No Name"

This song personifies the music of my parents - I initially hated it just for that. But this song remains catchy and haunting, even 200 listens later.

Willie Nelson - "Whiskey River"

As a child, I didn't know much about whiskey. I just knew it figured into a lot of the music my family enjoyed. Certainly I didn't connect it with the fact that when my dad took the 7-Up out of the fridge and poured a glass, the end result looked darker and tasted stranger than when I did the same thing. Kids are dumb. Later, I would learn it was the greatest thing in the history of things.

Creedence Clearwater Revial - "Bad Moon Rising"

Even as a kid, I loved the Creedence tapes in the house, and I hated the fucking Eagles. This is one of the many reasons The Big Lebowski blew my mind.

Jim Croce - "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown"

A provincial chap like myself has to work a Chicago reference in here somewhere. And this song - about a badass getting fucked up by another, bigger, badass - appeals to my Chicago love. Never mind the fact that as a longtime North Sider, I'm genetically frightened of anything south of Jackson. This song about the South Side kicks ass.

Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young

Clearly, this was a Neil Young contribution to the supergroup. As a kid, this song gave me chills, and I had no idea why. As an adult, I know why, but the power hasn't diminished one bit.

The next time you're visiting the folks, take a look through their music collection. You might be surprised. I left out at least a dozen classics. If you find nothing but the Bay City Rollers, however, I command you to destroy the site with cleansing fire. I'm fairly certain it's legally justified.

- J.B. Mays

Shut Up and Listen: Rancid

Shut Up and Listen is a weekly feature that presents a song without comment. Wait, does this count? Okay, then. Shut Up and Listen is a weekly feature that presents a song with one comment. This one.




-Twistoff Jones

Manly Mixtape: Black Monday

So I showed up to work today, already hating life, because who really wants to work on a Monday or any day of the week for that matter? Anyway, some really clever guy at work looks at what I'm wearing and, because I was wearing a black shirt and slacks, says, "I wonder what your favorite color is, heh heh." I then put my fist through his throat and said, (please read this aloud in your best Schwarzenegger voice) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Can you repeat that? I guess you can't!" as the blood gushed all over my arm and onto the floor.

That hand is going straight for your throat!

Ok, so I didn't rip through his throat. But I did get to thinking and realized two things:
1. Most things I can't live without are black: my clothes, my heart
2. Some of the best music is put out by bands with "black" in their name

I won't share my clothes or heart, but I will share some of my favorite bands with "black" in their name.

Black Sabbath-"N.I.B."


That is either a fat lady or the lead singer of Fall Out Boy. Oh, wait, nope. It really IS Ozzy. Anyways, one of the best Black Sabbath songs.

The Black Halos-"Darkest Corners"


Theses guys are so cool that I can't even tell that they're Canadian.

The Black Keys-"10 AM Automatic"


These two guys put out more awesome noise in one song than most countries do all year. (awkward silence) This song is awesome and the video has old people in it, how cool is that?

Big Black-"Kerosene"


LIVE AT CBGB!!! How awesome is that? Too bad the place is gone. Never fear, you can go to any Target or Hot Topic and your very own CBGBs shirt to impress your friends!

Black Mountain-"Don't Run Our Hearts Around"


This is the second Canadian band on this Mix-Tape., what gives? This is a band that everyone should know about. Seek them out, go, go now! (Hmm, this video could pass for a commercial for the tasty and guaranteed to make you 10 times more awesome, American Spirit cigarettes.)

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club-"Whatever Happened to "


BRMC can be hit or miss overall, but this song is fucking awesome! I always have these weird dreams of being in NYC at some fashion fight between these guys and Interpol.

Note to all: I left out Black Flag because I could not find any videos of them without Henry Rollins and I cannot stand that guy. Now HE should be punched in the throat!

-The Godfather

Manly Mixtape Monday: Embarrassing AWESOME Karaoke Mix

Manly Mixtape Monday is a six-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face weekly.

Umm ... what?

No matter what walk of life you come from, karaoke is the great uniter. Pour enough alcohol into anyone, and they take on the awesome karaoke ethos of the Japanese businessman. Or Huey Lewis in Duets. Or this guy on any given whiskey night. Part of the enjoyment is the ability to not only enjoy cheesy '80s hits, but scream those very hits at the top of your lungs. And if you don't agree with me, you're some sort of robot. Or Nazi. Or Nazi-bot. And I'm coming for you soon, Nazi-bot. Let's check out 6 of the songs I personally enjoy rocking. I'll leave out Rick Astley, because honestly, I believe the Internet has had enough of that business.

Huey Lewis and the News - "The Power of Love"

No matter where you're enjoying a night of drunken karaoke, every single person present will have seen Back to the Future. Hence they will not only know, but madly adore this song. You knock it out of the park, and you're the Hero of the Drunks. You'll probably never win the Pulitzer, so I'd say that's an achievement to shoot for.

Kenny Rogers - "The Gambler"

Before he started getting so much plastic surgery that he looks like a poorly-aging woman, Kenny Rogers pumped out some true classics. Its' legacy has lasted longer than the man's chicken franchise. "The Gambler" is literally better than fried chicken.

Big Country - "In a Big Country"

Perfect for a karaoke evening. Where else, in your life, will you ever be able to utter the phrase "I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert, but I can look and breathe and see the sun in winter-time" without derision, much less belt that shit to a roomful of people full of '80s nostalgia.

The Spinners - "Rubberband Man"

As a red-bearded Irish guy, I'm clearly the best choice to sing a Motown classic. Which is good, because this song rocks. Now if I could only get the Mai Tai stains out of my powder-blue tuxedo.

Toto - "Africa"

The mere opening bars of this will cause all assembled to snap to attention. With that refrain, it's either going to be an entertaining success or a way more entertaining failure. To be attempted only by gentlemen who (a) have a bar bill surpassing the price of a 4-star dinner and (b) trained for it over a lifetime of singing Rush songs in the shower. On a side note: Ugliest band ever to hit the Top 40.

Go West - "King of Wishful Thinking"

Why Go West? Why not Go West? It's possibly the '80-est song ever. Ever.

- J.B. Mays

U2 and Rolling Stone: Lame Meets Bland

Which has suffered a more precipitous decline - Irish band U2 or the venerable Rolling Stone? We will attempt to find out, inspired by this laughably bad cover:

"Thank you for coming out to space! We'll get back to the music in a minute, but I'd like to take a second to talk to you about the plight of the Vornyxxians from Rigel 4. They're enslaved by debt to the Intergalactic Monetary Fund. They can't even make payments on the space interest."

U2

Once a fairly cutting-edge band with catchy singles and deep lyrics, they've undergone a mystifying transformation into the most punchable band on the planet. Witness the facts:

- All those hit singles since 2000? Same song. You know it.

- As their song lyrics got much shallower ("Un, dos, tres, catorce!"), they countered by becoming insufferable pricks wherever possible about third world debt.

-They call for blanket forgiveness of African debts. I criticize them for not emphasizing infrastructure in developing nations.

- What's that, you say? They're just a rock band, they don't know about building roads, hospitals, and irrigation systems? THEN WHY DO THEY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIRD WORLD DEBT? I don't ask Derrek Lee for his views on pre-natal care for mothers in poverty, and I don't ask for global economic treatises from some sunglasses-wearing pop music douche.

- Their concerts feature 4 minutes of heavy-handed preaching for every 4 minutes of ... ahem ... "rock."

- Just about the one Irish thing this writer finds unlikable.

Laura Dern? Lenny Kravitz? Blues Traveler? Was this some kind of early prototype for Stuff White People Like?

Rolling Stone Magazine

Once a leading voice in the vanguard of rock music, last seen in a Muncie, Indiana, Dominick's checkout lane - right next to Cosmo's "35 Ways to Please Your Man" issue.

- Gives most everything a 3 or 4 star review.

- A notable exception to the last statement is this review of Mick Jagger's Goddess In the Doorway, which received the exceedingly rare 5-star review. How can I adequately stress how awful this album was? Oh, I know!

- You can only get a 5-star review if you're an established legend. Even if you churn out sewage like "Goddess in the Doorway." An rising star on the way to legendhood? Then you can go fuck yourself. Jay-Z's "The Blueprint"? 3.5 stars. Nirvana's "Nevermind"? 3 stars. Bob Marley's "Exodus"? Not even reviewed.

- Radiohead hasn't fared much better, averaging 3.5 stars for their entire catalog. Oh, but wait, Rolling Stone goes back every so often and re-issues reviews. And once Radiohead became one of the most popular and acclaimed bands on the planet, RS changed most of those to 5-star reviews. That's pretty much admitting that you don't know shit.

- They once ran this article, in which they accused then-president George Bush (not the Simpsons one) of being influenced by the authors of those weirdo Left Behind books and their apocalyptic vision of Christianity. They then gloss over the fact that neither of the authors had ever met Bush, and when directly questioned, Bush said that he hadn't read any of them, but had heard the books mentioned once or twice. Journalism! Really, was it that hard to find a legitimate criticism of George Bush in 2004?

- At one time featured the manic, drug-fueled writing of Hunter S. Thompson, a legend in outsider writing who remains relevant today. Now they have Chuck Klosterman, who not only writes about The Sims, but also looks like a big ol' lesbian.

"... and this is my life partner, Willow."

So who wins this matchup of the pompous and the sad? Certainly not us. I say let U2 and Rolling Stone have each other. They both deserve a little misery.

Next on the Plate: Port O'Brien & Sea Wolf

Sorry about the late notice on this one, so I'll make it quick. As soon as you're done here, just head out to Schuba's. The dual bill of Sea Wolf and Port O'Brien is well worth the $14. Hell, even just one them would be worth it, but when combined, it's set to be a pretty awesome and cheap night.

Any of Port O'Brien's songs would have fit perfectly into Twist-off's Sailor Mixtape. In fact, singer Van spends ever summer fishing on his dad's salmon boat off the coast of Alaska. During those endless, landless days, he fishes, and during the limited down time, he writes some kickass music. The utter desolation provides ample motivation and inspiration for their shanty songs.

Secondly, Sea Wolf, who could have been included on the Mixtape on name alone, play a downbeat rock. They are probably most known for their song "You are a Wolf," which was played extensively during last year's Olympic commercials.

So finish that burger, grab and umbrella, and prep for a night on the musical seas.

- Mr. Nobody

Manly Mixtape Monday: Get Shipwreck'd With Sailor Rock

The Manly Mixtape is a weekly 6-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face every Monday.

In our last year of grad school, J.B. Mays and myself created a rock radio show that coalesced all things awesome – rock n’ roll, Manbque.com, and the ridicule of annoying trends. In honor of those efforts, I give you my Mixtape Monday and first time ode to what I am coining as Sailor Rock It comes in all forms rock’d up, punk’d out, and hell, even Irish-eyed and drunk has a place in Sailor Rock. But there’s one thing that links them all together – swagger. It’s a unique swagger that conjures up pirates and insatiable living while commandeering drunken guitars, whiskey-soaked vocals and marching drum beats. Cheers, matey.

.


Check out Bullets & Octane “Pirates. This band walks the plank with talent and swigs heavy riffs for breakfast.



You can’t get any more Sailorish than the Gaslight Anthem’s “I Coulda Been A Contender”. These Jersey boys definitely take to the high seas with lyrical prowess and all their songs sound like they were left at sea for years.




Probably the most entertaining and enlightening on the list is Chuck Ragan’s “The Boat”. We feel for all those lost to the sea on this one.




It’s a mutiny with The Riverboat Gamblers “Rattle Me Bones”. Best live act at SXSW every year, this band of merry pirates shakes with fierceness and energy.




Like a ship in a bottle, The Bravery’s “The Ocean” sways. Like it or love it, it feels like the ocean.




We end on pure awesomeness with Murder City Devils’ “Press Gang”. Raise a fist and a fifth of Sailor Jerry rum to Manly Mixtape Mondays every Monday at Manbque.com. Arr.

- Twist-Off Jones

Freaky-Ass Friday: Tool

You had to have known this designation was coming for Tool. As teen, and later as an adult, I came to really appreciate the intricate musicianship and dark songwriting. But really, as a pre-teen who did a lot of late-night MTV watching, there was only one thought when this particular video came on - AHHHH! BURN IT! SEND IT TO HELLLLLLLLL!

But years later, I've come to appreciate "Sober" in all it's freaky-ass claymation glory. I also use it to scare my younger cousins, because trauma is meant to be passed on. It's the right thing to do.

- J.B. Mays

Non-Crappy Covers: The '80s, Ska, and Cursing

I haven't even begun writing and this entry has already begun to make me feel old. Thoughts running through my head include "hey, remember ska's brief moment of semi-popularity?" and "hey, remember that movie BASEketball?" I might as well add "hey, remember Pogs?" while I'm at it.

But weird quarter-life crises aside, I'd like to call you all back to a simpler time. A young J.B. Mays, crumpled dollar bills in hand, was in the middle of a very tough decision - whether or not to buy his first Parental Advisory stickered CD. Finally, hands shaking, I went up to the cash register and meekly said "I'll take this." I recall being surprised that I didn't get in trouble, because young J.B. Mays was apparently something of a nancy boy. But the disc was purchased, and there began a love affair with cursing and music intertwined. That record? Reel Big Fish's "Turn the Radio Off."

This particular cover song came out after that album unexpectedly hit platinum during the aforementioned brief ska fad of the '90s. No matter how my musical tastes have evolved, I'll always have a soft spot for the band. Which, when you think about it, is how almost everyone feels about the music of the '80s. And so we combine them, and hope that it doesn't have the same world-ending effect of crossing the streams.

- J.B. Mays

Shut Up and Listen: The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!

Shut Up and Listen is a weekly feature that presents a song without comment. Wait, does this count? Okay, then. Shut Up and Listen is a weekly feature that presents a song with one comment. This one.

The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy! (via Pitchfork)

- Mr. Nobody

El Awesomeness: The Rise & Ascent of the Greatest Band You’ve Yet to Hear

So you’ve been waiting (as have I) for a band, a rock band, that rocks faces off at a consistent enough rate you can follow their ascent to greatness over the course of several records. For me, that time is now and it begins with hardcore punk outfit The Bronx.

Maybe, like me, you’ll get hooked by their ode to Los Angeles and early single “They Will Kill Us All (Without Mercy).”

Or maybe you’d like your punk polished like their latest - and arguably greatest - “Past Lives.”

Still not convinced? Well, if Matt Caughthran’s vocals don’t grab you by throat and guitarist Joby J. Ford’s riffs can’t get you feeling it, then let the boys throw something else at you. Welcome to "Mariachi El Bronx." Recorded with their third album, "The Bronx III," "Mariachi El Bronx" is real, raw and one of the most epic and original records of our time.

Both "Past Lives" and "Mariachi," however, go well with hot sauce.


- Twist-off Jones

Next on the Plate: Built to Spill

Next on the Plate is the Man-B-Que approved local concert of the week. Go see it.

At least this week its easy.

Seriously, just go see Built to Spill.

For those of you not in the know, let me help you get you there. Since the mid 90's BtS has ben one of the hardest-working bands in rock music. Coming out of the Pacific Northwest (Boise, Idaho, specifically) during the post grunge binge, they combined amazing musicianship with a DIY garage sound. Rough around the edges, their influences span both decades and genres. Frontman Doug Martsch's scratchy vocals echo Neil Young, while the jaunty but melodic guitar riffs recall Pavement. These superior influences, as well as others (Dinosaur Jr.), have joined together to make BtS one of the most musically diverse rock bands in recent memory. Naturally, Spill's awesomeness hasn't been lost on a slew of modern bands who can undoubtedly cite them as a major influence. Modest Mouse and Death Cab for Cutie form only the tip of the iceberg.

Since first seeing Built To Spill 8 years ago at the Metro, I've had several more opportunities; none of which failed to impress. While the albums each have their own merit, live is where BtS thrives. Martsch's vocals soar and crack, his lyrics cut. Add in the occasional freak-out featuring massive feedback and distortion, its no wonder these guys have been playing music for nearly 2 decades. And yet, they're still getting better. No doubt they'll play from their new album, "There is No Enemy," out October 6th. But, peppered in will hopefully be personal BtS classics, Big Dipper, Stop The Show, and Fly Around My Pretty Little Miss.

Built To Spill plays this Saturday at the Vic Theater at 7:30. The aforementioned Dinosaur Jr also plays. Amazingly, tickets are still somehow available. So you should get that on that.

A close second - Grizzly Bear @ The Metro Sunday (9/27) and Monday (9/28)

- Mr. Nobody

Manly Mixtape Monday: Animated Rock

Manly Mixtape Monday is a six-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face weekly.



Unless you were raised in one of those strange no-television houses (usually also the no-Halloween houses) in the neighborhood, there's a good chance you were raised on cartoons. Ninja Turtles, Looney Toons, Ultraforce, whatever. Point is, there were as much surrogate parent as entertainment. Admit it or not, we never really let go of them - witness the insane popularity of "ironic" '80s shirts. So instead of watching those same cartoons all the time - an activity that ranks up there in creepiness with owning a clown suit - I find it's better to combine them with excellent music.

And so, after that long-winded intro, we have our theme: cartoon music videos. Sit back and enjoy, preferably with some Lucky Charms.

The White Stripes - "Fell In Love With a Girl"

I cannot imagine the amount of work that went into this video. It only runs 1:53, yet I'm pretty sure there's a Lego enthusiast with crippling carpal tunnel who can attest to exactly how long the shooting took.

Madvillain - "All Caps"

I'm not a huge hip hop fan, but I am an enormous fan of MF Doom. He wears a metal Dr. Doom mask, raps in thick, consonant-heavy verses, and projects the supervillain vibe pretty well. I'd say he's my favorite rapper/supervillain. This video finds him acting awesome in the pages of a comic book. This is something I can certainly get behind.

Junior Senior - "Move Your Feet"

Atari and a hyperactive song built over a Michael Jackson-sounding chorus? The 8-year old in me is rejoicing. The 8 year old in Clay Aiken's basement remains terrified.

J Dilla - "Nothing Like This"

Atmospheric, semi-hip hop music like the kind J Dilla makes leaves me at a loss for words. Which is just fucking fantastic in a written medium like this one. I find it hard to explain what's so appealing about the song, but perhaps the video can put it across more tangibly.

Ok, so I just re-watched it, and now I can figure out the appeal. GIANT KILLER ICE CREAM CONE!

Dire Straits - "Money for Nothing"

A lot of great videos have come and gone since its day, but "Money For Nothing" is still one of the top 5 most recognizable videos ever made. And while Dire Straits may be the stuff of '80s Trivial Pursuit questions, frontman Mark Knopfler has reinvented his career as sort of a gruff singer/songwriter type. And he plays a hell of a guitar. This video was, I'm guessing, state of the art at the time. I'm fairly certain that these days, you can buy fart machines with more computing power.

Gorillaz - "Clint Eastwood"

I'll have to admit, I was not a fan of this song, or this band, the first time I heard it. Or the fifth. Or the tenth. In fact, the punishing grind of radio rotation almost ruined it for me, until I happened to come across the weirdly captivating video at 2 in the morning on MTV2, or MTV3, or MTV7, or whoever was still playing videos at that point. After watching kung-fu zombie gorillas, I began to enjoy it. I mean, I'm not made of stone.

- J.B. Mays

Freaky-Ass Friday: A Duo of Rammstein

This week's selection for this Friday feature that I can't seem to come up for a name with joins two thing people are afraid of - heavy metal and Ze Germans.

I first heard of German metal band Rammstein in my younger days, when MTV not only played music videos, but played music videos by German metal bands whose on-stage antics had led to indecency charges.

Read that link. The whole thing. I'll wait.

Okay, now you have an idea how Rammstein altered my perception not just of metal, but of an entire country. Even after years of learning to enjoy jazz, latin music, hip hop, etc., I still think Rammstein's bombastic metal kicks ass. Here, for your enjoyment, is "Du Hast," the video that introduced me to the band:

Clearly an homage to Reservoir Dogs going on there. But that's not really the freaky-ass part. Oh, it's freaky, don't get me wrong. But you know what's just a little bit more batshit? Taking everything you've just learned above and placing it in the Sprongebob motif:

I have no idea who is simultaneously a fan of both Spongebob and German metal to the point where he/she tries to smash the two together in the manner of making your Ghostbusters action figures fight the GI Joes. I just know that I'm not sure I want to meet this individual.

- J.B. Mays

Non-Crappy Covers: The Manliest Sting Song You'll Hear All Day

This is a cover of "Message in a Bottle" by the Police. Now, we can argue the merits of the Police against the face that Sting turned into a huuuuuge douche. But let's save that for another time. For now, let's see what happens when you take a former English schoolteacher's songwriting effort and put it into the hands of a band who has a song featuring the line "Let freedom ring with a shotgun blast." For your enjoyment, viking-looking metal men covering a Sting song:

I know it's a user-made YouTube video, and that those are the artistic equivalent of Japanese tentacle rape comics, but there aren't many hardcore heavy metal videos around these days. They started to disappear around the time that the MTV network spontaneously grew ovaries. But you don't need a professionally made video to rock. All you need is a beer and a fist to pump in the air. And possibly a sweet White Zombie t-shirt. But that is all.

Shut Up and Listen: Mos Def, "Sex, Love & Money"

Shut Up and Listen is a weekly feature that presents a song without comment. Wait, does this count? Okay, then. Shut Up and Listen is a weekly feature that presents a song with one comment. This one.

- Mr. Nobody

Kanye West: New Vehicle For Alien Communiques

Sure, our Facebook walls were inundated with Kanye reproach, and surely our phones' buzzed with Twitter updates condemning someone we'll never meet. But amid all the hubbub of Kanye's most recent cultural offense lies something much deeper...

The most convincing proof of intelligent life outside this planet: the crop circles miraculously and meticulously placed atop of Mr. West's head.

Kanye West: "Make me look like this, SuperCuts!"

Who put them there? How did they get there? What do they mean? Why was he chosen?

Only in time can we hopefully understand these and many more questions posed by this phenomenon.

In the meantime, keep buying his albums, dancing at the club, and feigning indignation. I know I'll be right there with you.

- Mr. Nobody

Man B Que: Swayze Crayze

This evening, the Man B Crew learned that esteemed actor Patrick Swayze died. While we've never seen Dirty Dancing, we have seen Road House and Black Dog and feel that those movies are manlier than any 18 movies put together (Stallone, Segal, and Norris films excluded).

I believe YouTube commenter SAGEBOT500 says it best: "He's throwing guys out of the Double Deuce in Heaven now."

- J.B. Mays

Manly Mixtape Monday: The Devil Made Me Do It

The Manly Mixtape is a weekly 6-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face every Monday. This week's sees the debut of Mr. Nobody.

Blitzen Trapper - Black River Killer

Ignore the friendly strum pattern and upbeat chord progressions and you'll discover a brutal murderer. The trail of dead following the singer numbers somewhere around 5 or 6 (I lose track); in other words, if you turn Black River Killer into a drinking game, you'd only need 2 listens to get good and drunk. That’s more kills per minute than Pulp Fiction had swears per minute. Fuck. That's a lot of killing, and a lot of shots. The cameo by Fred Willard as a talk show host is pretty key as well. Check out his Blago-inspired hair.

Dead Heart Bloom – Sodom

I'm not sure who made this video (or why), but that’s not the important part. With a wandering bass line, accented drum beat, and a soaring string arrangement, it’s obvious that this song has been expertly crafted. But the lyrics – harkening back to Sodom, complete with imagery of whores, writhing, and turning into a pillar of salt – add another layer of complexity. Pepper in some reversed vocals and you've got a song that's just asking for a Parental Advisory sticker.

Ben Folds Five - Satan is My Master

Most people are already familiar with “Brick,” the band’s awful abortion tale, but that’s not what we’re going with. “Satan is My Master” is a little-known live track released on their b-sides album "Naked Baby Photos." Short, but hardly sweet, it lets everyone know where this next-gen Elton John places his allegiances. Though, to be fair, if I got free Metallica records out of the deal, I doubt I'd complain much. It just better not be anything post-Load. Stupid Lars. Actually, never-mind – it’s looking like a pretty raw deal. At least “Satan is My Master” is a cool song.

Pine Box Boys - I Kept Her Heart

We've all done it, right? Married a 15 year old girl whom you traded for a horse? Then, after years of loveless marriage, took her into the woods out back and brutally murdered her? Finally, you dragged her lifeless body into the local flour mill and ground her bones into a fine powder, right? But, as a memento, you kept her heart. Right? We've all been there.

…

No?


Cold War Kids - We Used to Vacation

Yum, gin. Normally, a dry martini and a couple of blue cheese olives would be a great way to end the day. Add in a car and a helpless family along for the ride and suddenly you've got a recipe for disaster. Yet despite his promises to his wife and children, the lead singer just can't seem to shake the addiction. That lovely self justification of "Still things could be much worse/natural disasters on the evening news" provides just enough excuse for another drink and another broken promise.

Fiona Apple - Criminal

Click here to see the video. Ms. Apple apparently dislikes embeddable videos.

Fortunately for me, the inimitable J.B. Mays already crossed the gender line when he introduced Brody Dalle of The Distillers the other week. Fortunately for everyone else, that means we can use Fiona Apple's awesomely dirty “Criminal” in this week's Mixtape. After this video, I know I certainly wouldn't mind being Ms. Apple's rueful transgression. Although the fact that she might write a song comparing my manhood to a shriveled up roll of dimes makes me have second thoughts.

- Mr. Nobody

The Kanye West Incident. Or: How the Internet Collectively Resembles a Developmentally Disabled Tween

... and a million simultaneous "oh no, he didn't"s were heard throughout the nation.

Last evening, the Internet suddenly exploded. Apparently, Kanye West had behaved in a manner very much like Kanye West – jumping up on stage during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video at the MTV Video Music Awards. He thought Beyonce should have won, and bizarrely said that he didn’t mean to disrespect Ms. Swift, but that Beyonce’s video was one of the greatest of all time, and should have won instead. Nope, no offense meant at all. Take a look for yourself, and try not to think of all the useful things you could be doing instead.

Of course, it’s easy to imagine my first reaction:

People still watch the VMAs? I had no idea.

Then second: In a time when we’re debating as a country how best to spend billions fixing the healthcare system, my Facebook news feed was pretty much solidly “OMG … Kanye is such a jerk,” “Taylor Swift is so sweet, I can’t believe Kanye West did that,” and “How low have we sunk in this country?” The last one, I entirely agreed with, but for different reasons than that person intended.

Also, Kanye has a documented history of doing the EXACT. SAME. FUCKING. THING. Either the organizers are idiots or they have a level of trust in Kanye West that should disqualify them from owning anything more dangerous than a plastic spork. I smell a contrived publicity “scandal.” And man, people are eating it right up. Not me, though. I just sit at my desk writing articles criticizing everyone involved. I am so above it all.

Meaningful!

But just for a minute, let’s pretend to take this VMoutrAge (clever, no?) at face value. I would now like to give you a list of some of the past illustrious winners of the VMA Moon Man:

- Michael Penn, Best New Artist, 1990. Who? I had to look this one up. It's Sean and Chris Penn's brother. I have never heard his music, nor do I plan to. It must have been a slow year for new artists. I mean, who ever heard of the Black Crowes?

- Pretty Much Every Other Year of Best Rap Video. Arrested Development had a 2-year lock on the award. MC Hammer won, as did Coolio and Will Smith. Really, it's most likely the exact list of embarassing CDs (and possibly tapes) that you won't admit you once owned. I can see why they eventually killed the category.

- Aerosmith, "Pink." Best Rock Video, 1998. As a kid, I spent hours and hours listening to Aerosmith's "Big Ones" album. They heard about this, and spent the next decade and a half trying to spite me with awful music. This is possibly the worst piece of shit they recorded. And as MTV is wont to do with hilariously bad music, they gave it an award.

- Limp Bizkit, Best Rock Video, 2000-2001. Witness the horrifying power of marketing. I'd be mad at them for taking the award away from deserving artists, but the categories in these years were uniformly terrible. Two years, and I can really only point to Rage Against the Machine as a competent artist (nominated, 2000) in this category.

- Art of Noise, feat. Tom Jones, "Kiss." Breakthrough Video, 1988. Again, I repeat, "who?" I mean, I know Tom Jones, but I bet even he couldn't tell you who the hell Art of Noise was.

So maybe Kanye shouldn’t be so upset. And maybe Taylor Swift should figure out that you don’t refer to the statue as a “VMA Award,” because that would mean Video Music Award Award, and that’s just stupid.

- J.B. Mays