Shut Up and Listen is a weekly feature that presents a song without comment. Wait, does this count? Okay, then. Shut Up and Listen is a weekly feature that presents a song with one comment. This one.
-Twistoff Jones
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Manly Mixtape: Black Monday
So I showed up to work today, already hating life, because who really wants to work on a Monday or any day of the week for that matter? Anyway, some really clever guy at work looks at what I'm wearing and, because I was wearing a black shirt and slacks, says, "I wonder what your favorite color is, heh heh." I then put my fist through his throat and said, (please read this aloud in your best Schwarzenegger voice) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Can you repeat that? I guess you can't!" as the blood gushed all over my arm and onto the floor.
That hand is going straight for your throat!
Ok, so I didn't rip through his throat. But I did get to thinking and realized two things:
1. Most things I can't live without are black: my clothes, my heart
2. Some of the best music is put out by bands with "black" in their name
I won't share my clothes or heart, but I will share some of my favorite bands with "black" in their name.
Black Sabbath-"N.I.B."
That is either a fat lady or the lead singer of Fall Out Boy. Oh, wait, nope. It really IS Ozzy. Anyways, one of the best Black Sabbath songs.
The Black Halos-"Darkest Corners"
Theses guys are so cool that I can't even tell that they're Canadian.
The Black Keys-"10 AM Automatic"
These two guys put out more awesome noise in one song than most countries do all year. (awkward silence) This song is awesome and the video has old people in it, how cool is that?
Big Black-"Kerosene"
LIVE AT CBGB!!! How awesome is that? Too bad the place is gone. Never fear, you can go to any Target or Hot Topic and your very own CBGBs shirt to impress your friends!
Black Mountain-"Don't Run Our Hearts Around"
This is the second Canadian band on this Mix-Tape., what gives? This is a band that everyone should know about. Seek them out, go, go now! (Hmm, this video could pass for a commercial for the tasty and guaranteed to make you 10 times more awesome, American Spirit cigarettes.)
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club-"Whatever Happened to "
BRMC can be hit or miss overall, but this song is fucking awesome! I always have these weird dreams of being in NYC at some fashion fight between these guys and Interpol.
Note to all: I left out Black Flag because I could not find any videos of them without Henry Rollins and I cannot stand that guy. Now HE should be punched in the throat!
-The Godfather
Ok, so I didn't rip through his throat. But I did get to thinking and realized two things:
1. Most things I can't live without are black: my clothes, my heart
2. Some of the best music is put out by bands with "black" in their name
I won't share my clothes or heart, but I will share some of my favorite bands with "black" in their name.
Black Sabbath-"N.I.B."
That is either a fat lady or the lead singer of Fall Out Boy. Oh, wait, nope. It really IS Ozzy. Anyways, one of the best Black Sabbath songs.
The Black Halos-"Darkest Corners"
Theses guys are so cool that I can't even tell that they're Canadian.
The Black Keys-"10 AM Automatic"
These two guys put out more awesome noise in one song than most countries do all year. (awkward silence) This song is awesome and the video has old people in it, how cool is that?
Big Black-"Kerosene"
LIVE AT CBGB!!! How awesome is that? Too bad the place is gone. Never fear, you can go to any Target or Hot Topic and your very own CBGBs shirt to impress your friends!
Black Mountain-"Don't Run Our Hearts Around"
This is the second Canadian band on this Mix-Tape., what gives? This is a band that everyone should know about. Seek them out, go, go now! (Hmm, this video could pass for a commercial for the tasty and guaranteed to make you 10 times more awesome, American Spirit cigarettes.)
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club-"Whatever Happened to "
BRMC can be hit or miss overall, but this song is fucking awesome! I always have these weird dreams of being in NYC at some fashion fight between these guys and Interpol.
Note to all: I left out Black Flag because I could not find any videos of them without Henry Rollins and I cannot stand that guy. Now HE should be punched in the throat!
-The Godfather
Monday, October 19, 2009
Manly Mixtape Monday: Embarrassing AWESOME Karaoke Mix
Manly Mixtape Monday is a six-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face weekly.
No matter what walk of life you come from, karaoke is the great uniter. Pour enough alcohol into anyone, and they take on the awesome karaoke ethos of the Japanese businessman. Or Huey Lewis in Duets. Or this guy on any given whiskey night. Part of the enjoyment is the ability to not only enjoy cheesy '80s hits, but scream those very hits at the top of your lungs. And if you don't agree with me, you're some sort of robot. Or Nazi. Or Nazi-bot. And I'm coming for you soon, Nazi-bot. Let's check out 6 of the songs I personally enjoy rocking. I'll leave out Rick Astley, because honestly, I believe the Internet has had enough of that business.
Huey Lewis and the News - "The Power of Love"
No matter where you're enjoying a night of drunken karaoke, every single person present will have seen Back to the Future. Hence they will not only know, but madly adore this song. You knock it out of the park, and you're the Hero of the Drunks. You'll probably never win the Pulitzer, so I'd say that's an achievement to shoot for.
Kenny Rogers - "The Gambler"
Before he started getting so much plastic surgery that he looks like a poorly-aging woman, Kenny Rogers pumped out some true classics. Its' legacy has lasted longer than the man's chicken franchise. "The Gambler" is literally better than fried chicken.
Big Country - "In a Big Country"
Perfect for a karaoke evening. Where else, in your life, will you ever be able to utter the phrase "I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert, but I can look and breathe and see the sun in winter-time" without derision, much less belt that shit to a roomful of people full of '80s nostalgia.
The Spinners - "Rubberband Man"
As a red-bearded Irish guy, I'm clearly the best choice to sing a Motown classic. Which is good, because this song rocks. Now if I could only get the Mai Tai stains out of my powder-blue tuxedo.
Toto - "Africa"
The mere opening bars of this will cause all assembled to snap to attention. With that refrain, it's either going to be an entertaining success or a way more entertaining failure. To be attempted only by gentlemen who (a) have a bar bill surpassing the price of a 4-star dinner and (b) trained for it over a lifetime of singing Rush songs in the shower. On a side note: Ugliest band ever to hit the Top 40.
Go West - "King of Wishful Thinking"
Why Go West? Why not Go West? It's possibly the '80-est song ever. Ever.
- J.B. Mays
Umm ... what?
No matter what walk of life you come from, karaoke is the great uniter. Pour enough alcohol into anyone, and they take on the awesome karaoke ethos of the Japanese businessman. Or Huey Lewis in Duets. Or this guy on any given whiskey night. Part of the enjoyment is the ability to not only enjoy cheesy '80s hits, but scream those very hits at the top of your lungs. And if you don't agree with me, you're some sort of robot. Or Nazi. Or Nazi-bot. And I'm coming for you soon, Nazi-bot. Let's check out 6 of the songs I personally enjoy rocking. I'll leave out Rick Astley, because honestly, I believe the Internet has had enough of that business.
Huey Lewis and the News - "The Power of Love"
No matter where you're enjoying a night of drunken karaoke, every single person present will have seen Back to the Future. Hence they will not only know, but madly adore this song. You knock it out of the park, and you're the Hero of the Drunks. You'll probably never win the Pulitzer, so I'd say that's an achievement to shoot for.
Kenny Rogers - "The Gambler"
Before he started getting so much plastic surgery that he looks like a poorly-aging woman, Kenny Rogers pumped out some true classics. Its' legacy has lasted longer than the man's chicken franchise. "The Gambler" is literally better than fried chicken.
Big Country - "In a Big Country"
Perfect for a karaoke evening. Where else, in your life, will you ever be able to utter the phrase "I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert, but I can look and breathe and see the sun in winter-time" without derision, much less belt that shit to a roomful of people full of '80s nostalgia.
The Spinners - "Rubberband Man"
As a red-bearded Irish guy, I'm clearly the best choice to sing a Motown classic. Which is good, because this song rocks. Now if I could only get the Mai Tai stains out of my powder-blue tuxedo.
Toto - "Africa"
The mere opening bars of this will cause all assembled to snap to attention. With that refrain, it's either going to be an entertaining success or a way more entertaining failure. To be attempted only by gentlemen who (a) have a bar bill surpassing the price of a 4-star dinner and (b) trained for it over a lifetime of singing Rush songs in the shower. On a side note: Ugliest band ever to hit the Top 40.
Go West - "King of Wishful Thinking"
Why Go West? Why not Go West? It's possibly the '80-est song ever. Ever.
- J.B. Mays
Friday, October 16, 2009
U2 and Rolling Stone: Lame Meets Bland
Which has suffered a more precipitous decline - Irish band U2 or the venerable Rolling Stone? We will attempt to find out, inspired by this laughably bad cover:
"Thank you for coming out to space! We'll get back to the music in a minute, but I'd like to take a second to talk to you about the plight of the Vornyxxians from Rigel 4. They're enslaved by debt to the Intergalactic Monetary Fund. They can't even make payments on the space interest."
U2
Once a fairly cutting-edge band with catchy singles and deep lyrics, they've undergone a mystifying transformation into the most punchable band on the planet. Witness the facts:
- All those hit singles since 2000? Same song. You know it.
- As their song lyrics got much shallower ("Un, dos, tres, catorce!"), they countered by becoming insufferable pricks wherever possible about third world debt.
-They call for blanket forgiveness of African debts. I criticize them for not emphasizing infrastructure in developing nations.
- What's that, you say? They're just a rock band, they don't know about building roads, hospitals, and irrigation systems? THEN WHY DO THEY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIRD WORLD DEBT? I don't ask Derrek Lee for his views on pre-natal care for mothers in poverty, and I don't ask for global economic treatises from some sunglasses-wearing pop music douche.
- Their concerts feature 4 minutes of heavy-handed preaching for every 4 minutes of ... ahem ... "rock."
- Just about the one Irish thing this writer finds unlikable.
Rolling Stone Magazine
Once a leading voice in the vanguard of rock music, last seen in a Muncie, Indiana, Dominick's checkout lane - right next to Cosmo's "35 Ways to Please Your Man" issue.
- Gives most everything a 3 or 4 star review.
- A notable exception to the last statement is this review of Mick Jagger's Goddess In the Doorway, which received the exceedingly rare 5-star review. How can I adequately stress how awful this album was? Oh, I know!
- You can only get a 5-star review if you're an established legend. Even if you churn out sewage like "Goddess in the Doorway." An rising star on the way to legendhood? Then you can go fuck yourself. Jay-Z's "The Blueprint"? 3.5 stars. Nirvana's "Nevermind"? 3 stars. Bob Marley's "Exodus"? Not even reviewed.
- Radiohead hasn't fared much better, averaging 3.5 stars for their entire catalog. Oh, but wait, Rolling Stone goes back every so often and re-issues reviews. And once Radiohead became one of the most popular and acclaimed bands on the planet, RS changed most of those to 5-star reviews. That's pretty much admitting that you don't know shit.
- They once ran this article, in which they accused then-president George Bush (not the Simpsons one) of being influenced by the authors of those weirdo Left Behind books and their apocalyptic vision of Christianity. They then gloss over the fact that neither of the authors had ever met Bush, and when directly questioned, Bush said that he hadn't read any of them, but had heard the books mentioned once or twice. Journalism! Really, was it that hard to find a legitimate criticism of George Bush in 2004?
- At one time featured the manic, drug-fueled writing of Hunter S. Thompson, a legend in outsider writing who remains relevant today. Now they have Chuck Klosterman, who not only writes about The Sims, but also looks like a big ol' lesbian.
So who wins this matchup of the pompous and the sad? Certainly not us. I say let U2 and Rolling Stone have each other. They both deserve a little misery.
"Thank you for coming out to space! We'll get back to the music in a minute, but I'd like to take a second to talk to you about the plight of the Vornyxxians from Rigel 4. They're enslaved by debt to the Intergalactic Monetary Fund. They can't even make payments on the space interest."
U2
Once a fairly cutting-edge band with catchy singles and deep lyrics, they've undergone a mystifying transformation into the most punchable band on the planet. Witness the facts:
- All those hit singles since 2000? Same song. You know it.
- As their song lyrics got much shallower ("Un, dos, tres, catorce!"), they countered by becoming insufferable pricks wherever possible about third world debt.
-They call for blanket forgiveness of African debts. I criticize them for not emphasizing infrastructure in developing nations.
- What's that, you say? They're just a rock band, they don't know about building roads, hospitals, and irrigation systems? THEN WHY DO THEY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIRD WORLD DEBT? I don't ask Derrek Lee for his views on pre-natal care for mothers in poverty, and I don't ask for global economic treatises from some sunglasses-wearing pop music douche.
- Their concerts feature 4 minutes of heavy-handed preaching for every 4 minutes of ... ahem ... "rock."
- Just about the one Irish thing this writer finds unlikable.
Laura Dern? Lenny Kravitz? Blues Traveler? Was this some kind of early prototype for Stuff White People Like?
Rolling Stone Magazine
Once a leading voice in the vanguard of rock music, last seen in a Muncie, Indiana, Dominick's checkout lane - right next to Cosmo's "35 Ways to Please Your Man" issue.
- Gives most everything a 3 or 4 star review.
- A notable exception to the last statement is this review of Mick Jagger's Goddess In the Doorway, which received the exceedingly rare 5-star review. How can I adequately stress how awful this album was? Oh, I know!
- You can only get a 5-star review if you're an established legend. Even if you churn out sewage like "Goddess in the Doorway." An rising star on the way to legendhood? Then you can go fuck yourself. Jay-Z's "The Blueprint"? 3.5 stars. Nirvana's "Nevermind"? 3 stars. Bob Marley's "Exodus"? Not even reviewed.
- Radiohead hasn't fared much better, averaging 3.5 stars for their entire catalog. Oh, but wait, Rolling Stone goes back every so often and re-issues reviews. And once Radiohead became one of the most popular and acclaimed bands on the planet, RS changed most of those to 5-star reviews. That's pretty much admitting that you don't know shit.
- They once ran this article, in which they accused then-president George Bush (not the Simpsons one) of being influenced by the authors of those weirdo Left Behind books and their apocalyptic vision of Christianity. They then gloss over the fact that neither of the authors had ever met Bush, and when directly questioned, Bush said that he hadn't read any of them, but had heard the books mentioned once or twice. Journalism! Really, was it that hard to find a legitimate criticism of George Bush in 2004?
- At one time featured the manic, drug-fueled writing of Hunter S. Thompson, a legend in outsider writing who remains relevant today. Now they have Chuck Klosterman, who not only writes about The Sims, but also looks like a big ol' lesbian.
"... and this is my life partner, Willow."
So who wins this matchup of the pompous and the sad? Certainly not us. I say let U2 and Rolling Stone have each other. They both deserve a little misery.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Next on the Plate: Port O'Brien & Sea Wolf
Sorry about the late notice on this one, so I'll make it quick. As soon as you're done here, just head out to Schuba's. The dual bill of Sea Wolf and Port O'Brien is well worth the $14. Hell, even just one them would be worth it, but when combined, it's set to be a pretty awesome and cheap night.
Any of Port O'Brien's songs would have fit perfectly into Twist-off's Sailor Mixtape. In fact, singer Van spends ever summer fishing on his dad's salmon boat off the coast of Alaska. During those endless, landless days, he fishes, and during the limited down time, he writes some kickass music. The utter desolation provides ample motivation and inspiration for their shanty songs.
Secondly, Sea Wolf, who could have been included on the Mixtape on name alone, play a downbeat rock. They are probably most known for their song "You are a Wolf," which was played extensively during last year's Olympic commercials.
So finish that burger, grab and umbrella, and prep for a night on the musical seas.
- Mr. Nobody
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